Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Musings on Motherhood

I love our little family.  Life is far from perfect, but it is really good.  The girls are at a point where they're figuring out how to play with each other and are becoming good friends.  I love watching them chase each other around the room, shrieking and laughing with delight.  I love how simple life is right now (other than the busy callings and volunteer stuff that brings way more meetings than I ever cared to attend).  I love that I don't have to take kids to school, dance or sports practices, girl scouts, or anything else yet.  This is the only time of life when I'll get to say that because they're just growing too fast.  For now, during the day we go somewhere if we want to, and we stay home if we want.  I love having my girls at home, figuring out fun things to do together whether it's a pretend picnic in the living room or jumping on the guest beds.  I don't want Sophie to be old enough for preschool, even if it is just a couple days a week.  I keep teasing her that she's not allowed to grow up anymore, and she keeps reminding me, in a very serious manner, that she has to grow up, that someday she'll be a mama too, but that (in her words) "I can wave to her from the window and she'll bring her babies over for me to hold."  Right now that feels like an eternity away for me, but I'm sure I'll blink and it'll be here.

I wish I could freeze time right now and just enjoy it for what it is, because it's only about to get more complicated.  You see, I want another baby.  I've been baby hungry for a while now, but it just hasn't been the right time yet, and that's just fine.  I can't wait to hold another little one in my arms, straight from Heavenly Father, and breathe in his or her perfect innocence.  I can't wait to simply find out what we're having and start the name debate and feel it move inside of me and feel the bond forming that will last throughout eternity.  I'm even excited to nurse again, something I only got to do a short while with Avery and missed terribly.  But I also know, being such a "veteran" momma now (wink wink), that that little bundle of joy will bring me lots of nights with little sleep, lots of worries when it's sick, and be a lot of work.  One child was a piece of cake, two has been a ton more work, and I can't even imagine what three will do to me.  Joseph and I are wondering what happened to all the time we used to have to spend together, playing games or watching movies, and just being together.  As much as we love being parents, we often find ourselves looking back fondly at our first year of marriage, childless, and all the selfish things we could do (though not selfish, because that was simply the stage we were in then).

Parenting is so bittersweet, isn't it.  It only takes a split second to go from the gratitude that I expressed above to feeling drained physically, emotionally, and in every other way possible.  How did my mother ever survive my dad's residency with 4 children, often acting as a single mom?  And then she went on to have two more!  How did my mother-in-law raise ten (TEN!) amazing children.  I am in awe.  I am realizing now why people stop with 2, which I used to think was so selfish.  I am wondering how I will ever do it.  And yet, I want to do it so badly that the simple desire will carry me through the hard times, and I'll just keep working toward the next nap, the next time when I can rest, rejuvenate, and remind myself again why I love being a mother and why I chose this.  Because it was a choice I willingly made and would do over again in a heartbeat.  Thanks for coming to our family, Sophie and Avery, and thanks for the others who I hope will come and take a chance on two very imperfect people who will hopefully be good parents to them.  I love my little family, but I'm excited for the hope of a bigger one, too.

9 comments:

m said...

Thanks so much for sharing your heart full of gratitude at this Thanksgiving time. You are wiser than most, to really appreciate what you have in the very moment! I just remember when Geoff was 5 and you all were so fun (plastic pants on your heads...) that I desperately wanted to freeze time right then and there. Yet look at all the joy I would be missing now from what you all have given us since then! You are a beautiful mother with a most precious family. Dad and I love you and are so happy for you, Joseph, and those two little sprites!

Sunny said...

Well put! I always said I wanted a big family - at least 6. But right now at the stage I'm at with my two adding another child to the mix seems virtually impossible. How others manage so gracefully with more than two is beyond me:)

Sheri said...

first of all, I love your new blog layout..so cute. You spoke of parenthood very well in this post. I just had baby #3 and it has been a really hard adjustment for us all. However, a month and a half into it, we are all doing much better and love having Marie in our family. We still have our less than productive days and a lot of times where I think I just might be going crazy, but I know that most of this is just a stage and if I remind myself of that I keep myself from actually GOING crazy. Have fun and enjoy 2, but if you do have more, just know you'll be able to enjoy that stage also (at some point, haha)! Good luck!

Emily Widdison said...

I loved this post. Everything about it. But my favorite quote of the day award goes to...
"I can wave to her from the window and she'll bring her babies over for me to hold."
adorable.
you are a great mom...I love admiring you even if it is from afar and through a blog!

kim & co. said...

Beautiful insights, and so true. It is so hard to watch them grow up, and know that once they leave this stage, they will never be that age or size again. This is it. And yet, they take SO much out of you at this age, too. Good luck with the baby hunger. I think I've been really blessed to not feel that as my kids are young (probably has something to do with the number of times they wake up at night for the first couple years)--makes it easier to fight the urge to have another until I think I can actually handle it with a little sanity :) (Not that you can't right now--motherhood has made me very aware of the differences in personalities and how that affects life choices).

shelly said...

Thanks for sharing the sweet post, Becky. It's always nice to be reminded about the blessings we have. I do love getting to choose whatever we want to do each day, as long as it's toddler compatable =)

Poppy said...

I have had much of the feelings that you expressed so well. Good for you for figuring it out now. I am really trying to just enjoy this time rught now with my little ones...I wish that I did it when my school kids were still at home, but I am trying to just enjoy the moment of time that we are in right now. There is no rush, the future (with all that it holds) will be here before we know it and I think the trick is trying to enjoy every season of life. Thanks for sharing your musings! Your girlies are lucky to have such a wonderful mommy!

Amber said...

I was just sitting here being jealous of a friend who's babies are 18 mos apart. In some ways I want that so bad for my kids because it was so fun being so close to my siblings. But now that I know how much work it is, wow, scary!

Brian&Pam said...

I love this post Becky! You put so many of my feelings into words :) I'm only two months into it and have been AMAZED at how much work being a mommy really is! But even more AMAZING is the love that I feel for this little guy! I really do LOVE being a mom and wouldn't trade it for anything. You have ONE ADORABLE family! Give your girls an extra squeeze from me :) Love you all!