Musings on Motherhood

I love our little family.  Life is far from perfect, but it is really good.  The girls are at a point where they're figuring out how to play with each other and are becoming good friends.  I love watching them chase each other around the room, shrieking and laughing with delight.  I love how simple life is right now (other than the busy callings and volunteer stuff that brings way more meetings than I ever cared to attend).  I love that I don't have to take kids to school, dance or sports practices, girl scouts, or anything else yet.  This is the only time of life when I'll get to say that because they're just growing too fast.  For now, during the day we go somewhere if we want to, and we stay home if we want.  I love having my girls at home, figuring out fun things to do together whether it's a pretend picnic in the living room or jumping on the guest beds.  I don't want Sophie to be old enough for preschool, even if it is just a couple days a week.  I keep teasing her that she's not allowed to grow up anymore, and she keeps reminding me, in a very serious manner, that she has to grow up, that someday she'll be a mama too, but that (in her words) "I can wave to her from the window and she'll bring her babies over for me to hold."  Right now that feels like an eternity away for me, but I'm sure I'll blink and it'll be here.

I wish I could freeze time right now and just enjoy it for what it is, because it's only about to get more complicated.  You see, I want another baby.  I've been baby hungry for a while now, but it just hasn't been the right time yet, and that's just fine.  I can't wait to hold another little one in my arms, straight from Heavenly Father, and breathe in his or her perfect innocence.  I can't wait to simply find out what we're having and start the name debate and feel it move inside of me and feel the bond forming that will last throughout eternity.  I'm even excited to nurse again, something I only got to do a short while with Avery and missed terribly.  But I also know, being such a "veteran" momma now (wink wink), that that little bundle of joy will bring me lots of nights with little sleep, lots of worries when it's sick, and be a lot of work.  One child was a piece of cake, two has been a ton more work, and I can't even imagine what three will do to me.  Joseph and I are wondering what happened to all the time we used to have to spend together, playing games or watching movies, and just being together.  As much as we love being parents, we often find ourselves looking back fondly at our first year of marriage, childless, and all the selfish things we could do (though not selfish, because that was simply the stage we were in then).

Parenting is so bittersweet, isn't it.  It only takes a split second to go from the gratitude that I expressed above to feeling drained physically, emotionally, and in every other way possible.  How did my mother ever survive my dad's residency with 4 children, often acting as a single mom?  And then she went on to have two more!  How did my mother-in-law raise ten (TEN!) amazing children.  I am in awe.  I am realizing now why people stop with 2, which I used to think was so selfish.  I am wondering how I will ever do it.  And yet, I want to do it so badly that the simple desire will carry me through the hard times, and I'll just keep working toward the next nap, the next time when I can rest, rejuvenate, and remind myself again why I love being a mother and why I chose this.  Because it was a choice I willingly made and would do over again in a heartbeat.  Thanks for coming to our family, Sophie and Avery, and thanks for the others who I hope will come and take a chance on two very imperfect people who will hopefully be good parents to them.  I love my little family, but I'm excited for the hope of a bigger one, too.